Will I Be Lonely?

I'm not someone who makes a big deal out of birthdays. Never really was. When I lived in the States, my birthday came and went like most other days. Maybe a dinner or friend hang, maybe not. Nothing to write home about.

This year was no different, on paper. Drinks on the beach. Kids running around in the background. Nothing planned outside of what we’d probably already be doing on a weekend afternoon. Nothing fancy outside of some extra drinks and snacks on hand. 

But somewhere in the middle of it, I looked around and was reminded of something. Every single person there I had met in the last 18 months. Some in the last six. None of them knew me before Portugal. None of them has context for who I was before I made this move.

And yet, there they were.

Before you move abroad, you will spend a lot of time worrying about what you'll leave behind, such as your people. The relationships that took years, even decades, to build. It's a legitimate fear and I had it too.

What's harder to imagine, before you go, is that new people are coming. They will not be replacements. You can’t replace your best friend from elementary school. Just new. People who will show up for beach drinks last minute because that's who they've become to you, and you to them, faster than you'd expect.

The question most people ask me about moving is, “Do you miss your friends/family?” And what they mean is, “Will I be lonely?” And the honest answer is: maybe. Probably. At least for a while. But far less than you fear, and for far less time than you think. But you have to be willing to do a few things intentionally.

The instinct when you arrive somewhere new is to wait until you feel settled before putting yourself out there. You have to show up before you feel ready. Don’t wait until your apartment feels like home, or until you “know the neighborhood.” The people who build community fastest are the ones who show up a little uncomfortable, a little early, and stay anyway. Say yes to things before you're sure you'll enjoy them. There will be some nights out and events that feel like a dud, and you just won’t know that until you put yourself out there.

Most deep friendships don't start with a single great conversation; they start with proximity over time. You have to find some sort of repeating context. A regular coffee spot where the owner starts to recognize you (we’re great friends with a family that owns our favorite restaurant). A running group, a padel match, a coworking space you actually go to. It doesn't matter much what it is. What matters is that you keep showing up in the same place, around the same people, until the familiarity starts to do its work.

When someone local, or someone who's been there longer than you, offers to show you something, say yes. Let people be your guide. The best introductions to a city are going to come from someone who's already figured out where to go on a Wednesday morning, which market is worth the trip, and which neighborhood you haven't check out yet. Following someone else's lead early on isn't a shortcut.

There's also sometimes a temptation to avoid the expat bubble because you want an "authentic" experience, whatever that means. Don't underestimate other expats. Expats who arrived a year or two before you have something genuinely valuable: they remember what it felt like to not know anyone, and most of them will go out of their way to help. That generosity is real, and it compounds. The person who invites you to beach drinks eventually introduces you to someone else, who introduces you to someone else.

Which is more or less how I ended up where I was on my birthday. Surrounded by people I didn't know not long ago, in a place I now get to call home.

You'll get there too. It just takes a little longer than a year, and a little less time than you think.

Until next time,

Benn (+ Melissa)

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